Laugh together for Xmas: Only in Miami!

1) While Miami is a beauty in many ways, brain-pool isn’t as robust as some other metropolitan cities – in fact it’s often the opposite!

There’s a building w/ street number 1111 on Brickell Bay Drive in downtown financial district of Miami. Recently a new building got built directly across from it, and oops, with the same street number 1111. An old cab driver pointed this out to me, saying he’s never seen anything like it in his entire life!

2) I came to a 4-way intersection, each street is a single-lane road. My lane has 3 arrows painted on it, Left, Straight, and Right !??! Hmm, did they forget any other possible direction for this one-lane road?

3) At Miami airport all of us were boarding.. after getting our boarding passes scanned, we still had to take a small escalator down to get on the plane. Well, down at the end of the escalator was a small area FILLED & FULL w/ people standing to get on the plane..not a foot of free space.. so people going down the escalator, were yelling out in panic “clear the way we’re about to get off” if we didn’t yell we would’ve stacked up on top of one another… Only in Miami !!

In the same airport bathroom, i got the auto-dispensed soap in my hand, but next thing faucet turned on and washed the soap off, didn’t give me a chance to rub the soap around.. well, the soap dispenser was installed one millimeter from the faucet (instead of the normal distance of several inches away from each other!) so I had to get the soap from the sideways to not set off the water again!

4) At my supposedly a very high-end waterfront condo, the garage entrance door automatically opens w/ a remote controller.. only thing is it opens the wrong way, the steel door flips outward toward your car windshield so if you’re close enough it could crack your windshield open!

5) I recently drove through downtown on a Sunday morning at 900am and I saw a line of about 200 people waiting to get into SPACE and Nocturnal (two after-hours). This was just any given Sunday morning.

When I drove through, there were three reggeton-with-tight-mini-skirt fat girls lying down ON TOP of two police cars that were parked in front. THey were chatting with the cops…

6) A good friend of mine was complaining to me the other day. Her retail store in Miami sometime hosts events in the evenings. She has to “tip” the local policeman $200-300 US in order for him to patrol the store during the events and make sure her guests are not jacked or robbed on their way out.

7) As you drive into Miami on I-95 at 900am, the HOV commute lane is full of Escalades, Lincoln SUV’s and Hummers with one person.

If you drive out of Miami on I-95 late at night, you get passed by purple, green and yellow Impalas, Ford Escorts with 30-inch spinner wheels, and motorcycles doing 130 Miles per hour without any policeman in sight.

8) You get “preferential” treatment from valet’s at restaurants if you speak to them in spanish. Of course, the valet parking is managed from cubans!

9) Funny sight on top of police cars !

Dumbness meets disorder..

Last month I went to DMV, I got up extra early to get in line that formed before the doors opened.. Lot of us got up early to get in front of the line.. well suddenly there were late-comers who formed a whole different line at the opposite end.

2 police cars in the center of street…yellow police ribbon to set the zone = a person drunk
3 police cars in the street..helicopter..yellow ribbon = cat on the tree
this is ONLY in Miami

10) Big queue in front of vip club… speaking Italian and go inside in few minutes..
this ONLY in Miami

11) Buying a flat and selling it again after few months with huge margin of profit
this “WAS” only in Miami!

Regarding the flat… go and ask the person who bought that condo what happened….
He’s probably out on the street, the condo has been foreclosed and reposessed by the bank.. and the building has hiked the maintenance fees up by 30% to off-set the loss.

Meanwhile, 191 condo buildings have been blacklisted by banks and no one will lend money to buyers due to the falling prices…

12) I called my cable company last week because I had a slow connection to the internet. As soon as the technicians arrived the first question I was asked” Are you stealing the internet connection from anyone? Do you have any ilegal programs in your computer?” This might be the cause for you computer to be slow.!!LOL!!

Only in Miami!!!!

Miami is only 2nd to Dubai in the # of skyscrapers being built

13) I had just had a pedicure and was waiting inline to pay for it (first problem). The woman in front of me had a bill of $50. She gave the cashier her credit card and asked her to add a 20% tip to the total. The cashier used a calculator to figure out the tip amount (second problem). When the woman got her credit card receipt it said $62. She said, “Excuse me, but the tip amount is incorrect, I said 20%”. The cashiers response was – “Well, that is the amount the calculator gave me!”

14) Only in miami…

My next door neighbor’s son tried to steal the motor off of the boat in my dock and told the cops he was “looking at a baracuda in the water” and the other neighbor who told on him, 15 years his senior, was “jealous because he was having an affair with her and she was bitter”

Oh, I’m sure I’ll thing of many others.

15) You have to love the fact that it is considered a legitimate business practice here in Miami to hire an “Expediter” when you need to get any building permits approved. For those of you who are not in Miami, this means hiring an attractive young lady to go bring cafecito, pastalitos, etc to our wonderful Dade County officials to get permits approved, otherwise it takes forever. Oh, and by the way, it doesn’t really make much of a difference if you are compliant or not, just hire the right Expediter.

16) Today my car has a flat tire so I call the Collection to get a flat bed to come pick up the car. So a flat bed comes w/ already a car on top of it! How does the driver expect to tow two cars where the flat bed only has room for one???

17) Just heard an ad on the radio opening at a club and the door prizes offered are:

(1) Breast implants
(2) 22 inch rims
(3) Tattoos

18) Only in Miaimi do we get to go home from work early due to a power outage…even though power has come back on!

19) Only in Miami do you go to the bank and in the middle of your transaction the teller decides she going to answer her ringing mobile and then tell you to “hold on” until she gets through with her call.

20) Only in Miami must I ask for an ‘American coffee’ when I just want a standard cup o’ Joe.

Then when I go back to New York, waiters look at me curiously when I ask for that same American coffee.

Same for my heritage. People here want to know what country I come from. Not necessarily my lineage. Back in New York, when I say I’m American, they say DUH! But where are you from ?!

21) Only in Miami, you go to Miami International Airport and suddenly the whole airport goes black. No more power in an international airport.

Scary thing, the planes were still landing.

22) Remember when we were at Segafredo – at Lincoln)  for Happy Hour and I ordered ‘black tea…” this is a disgrace!

I order black tea and waitress comes back and regretfully says that ” we dont have any black tea, Miss.” I am like, “ok so what tea do you have?” She then she gives me “earl grey” and “ceylon” which are clearly black teas – only she doenst know that they fall into that category. I guess she was searching for a teabag that had ” black tea” on the label.. oi, only in Miami.

23) I ordered some furniture and it’s stored in Miami. instead of making one shipment to Nassau for no reason they do it in three and after the first and second shippment they told me they have shipped everything. i am still waiting for some stuff. Miami is like a third world country…

24) As much as i loved going to school down there, and the weather is amazing, i couldn’t take it anymore. Tons of fake and shady people. People who someday were rich in their natives countries and they want to get the same “special treatment” in America without even learning how to speak english and show some respect to this country. Great place for people with “big” last name within the family that “one day i had..”

25) I’ve been in S. Florida since 1983 and I can tell you that, even though it’s changed a lot, and there are always “transitory” people who come and go, I have made excellent life-long friends here. And the fact that it’s like a third world here, makes it interesting…

26) Do you get to a restaurant to hear another table’s complaints about how they’ve been waiting for their food for over an hour. The Spanish speaker in our group tells the waiter to be quick with our order and we’re all eating within ten minutes. The people who were complaining as we got in are still waiting for their food..

27) Can you easily spend 100USD on parking in a single day by driving from one valet to another.

28) Only in Miami can you get in a cab and ask them if they’ll drive to Palm Beach. The Cuban driver says yes, then drives you to a line of cabs and says. “this guy wants to go to Palm Beach”. So I pay the first driver and get in a Haitian’s cab. He agrees to drive me to Palm Beach. Then he gets off 95 in Broward and drives to a gas station because he’s running out of gas. Then he asks me to pay for the gas, because he doesn’t have any money and the meter is still running..

29) My least favorite part about Miami is how people constantly try to one-up each other. The vibe in South Beach can be so sleazy at times it’s ridiculous.. I just turn another cheek and don’t let it get to me. During Art Basel I was on a bed at the Shore Club and on the next bed were a few girls and a few guys. My favorite line from Art Basel came from one of the guys when he was trying to impress the girls, “I’m a collector. Last year I bought a painting for five thousand dollars.” :) Hardly a ‘collector’, but the girls seemed to like it :)

30) Only in Miami do you have an appointment for the AC repair guy to come Wednesday at 8am…and you wait around for him and he never shows, but then comes Thursday at 8:45am … and tells you it’s because the days of the week confuse him in English…

Merry Christmas from InsideMiamiBeach.com!

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